It only takes a camera to change her mind

Remember, remember
Tomorrow's September...

..and that's all I can think of when it comes to coming up with a variation on the ol' Gunpowder plot rhyme. But anyway, here I am in the last few hours of August, which means in a few short hours I'll be entering the month in which I get married..

Blimey.

Actually, I really cannot wait for the big day to arrive, with one small minor reservation..

..the photographer..

On Sunday we met up with our wedding photographer again, and I began to realise just how possessed and driven these men are. I guess from some people's point-of-view this is what they want in the person who will be taking the photographs of their big day, but he has indicated that he wants to use the whole hour and forty minutes between the service and the grub to take photos..

Fair enough, thought I..

..and then it was made clear that I'd have to be in the majority of them on account of me being the groom and all that.

What.. the.. fuck..?

Now I hate having my photograph taken at the best of times (ask anyone who knows me), but having my picture take for one hundred minutes? He has got to be taking the piss. How can anyone physically smile for that long? Surely by the end it will begin to look like a grimace (which is definitely not the look too be going for).

So how am I supposed to get through this (I only have the one hip flask, and it only holds so much brandy)? Anyone got a clothes hanger that I can insert into my mouth for that perma-smile this sadist of a photographer thinks I can maintain for the best part of two fucking hours..??

Answers on a postcard (or suggestions in a comment) please

Ta

Absence

Dear Sir/Madam

Please excuse silentbazz for not being present for the past couple of days, unfortunately real-life kinda got in the way, and prevented him from making any posts. 

Yes, I agree, I think it's a bit of a lame excuse too.  I mean, just how fucking long does it take to sit down in front of a PC and actually bang a blog entry out?  Five.. maybe ten minutes?  Okay, okay, so it has been a bank holiday weekend (with shockingly bad weather) and there is the screaming three month old who had her inoculations yesterday and has been grouchy ever since to factor in, I guess, and then when you add to that most of yesterday afternoon at the hospital, you can see that it might have been a busy couple of days.  But still.. should we give him the benefit of the doubt?  Hmm..

Anyway, normal services should resume imminently

Warmest regards

Calling on clever computer people

I'm looking for a cheap, but adequate laptop computer, to use as a second machine just for browsing the internet/emailing (i.e. the machine will not really be punished) downstairs (so WiFi is a must). Due to an arrangement between our company and a major PC Supplier (Where in the world could you find an arrangement like that!?), I have the opportunity to purchase something like this:


HP NX6125 Notebook
SEMP 3100+ (1.8) Processor
256Mb Memory
40Gb Hard drive
COMBO Drive (DVD/CDRW)
15" Screen
Windows XP Home

"The HP Compaq Business Notebook nx6125 notebook PC series combines mobility, affordability and connectivity, offering a smart mobile office notebook for cost-conscious professionals. This thin and light notebook provides the right balance of key features to help handle your versatile business needs, combining proven technology and long battery life so you can achieve maximum productivity without compromising your budget"

The price of this little beauty would be £339.58 (inc. VAT).

So.. opinions? Is this worth a punt, or can someone suggest something better for similar cash (wouldn't want to pay much more to be honest).

Any info appreciated

Drawing up plans

As if I don't spend enough time gawping in front of a PC as part of my day job, I was staring at a LCD monitor for most of the evening last night as well.  As the wedding approaches you see, things needed sorting.  Most important of these "things needing sorting" was the seating plan.  We have seven tables of twelve guests (the numbers have worked out really well, as it goes) and so time and effort was put in to seating people so that they can mingle but also so that they know enough people so they feel comfortable. 

It can be a bit of a nightmare. 

Then, the mother-in-law-to-be said she didn't want the tables to have numbers just in case anyone attached any significance to the number of the table they were sat at (I cannot imagine it myself, it'd be a fairly lame thing to brag about, wouldn't it?  "Oh Mary, are you only on table five?  We're on table two."). 

Whatever. 

So rather than having table numbers, each table is named after a castle in Wales (seeing as we're getting married in Wales, it seemed to fit). 

We also had to design drinks vouchers.

Seeing as the few of us involved with the planning couldn't decide on the reception drink that they usually serve up on a tray after the service for people to have whilst the photos are going on (the choice was Bucks Fizz, Sherry or Mulled Wine - none of which was very appealing), we've decided to give everyone a free drink of their choice.  I would have really appreciated this myself at the weddings I've been to in the past, 'cos Bucks Fizz is just cheap nasty sparkling white wine with the nastiest "value" orange juice poured into it, and given the choice between that and a pint of Stella, I know which I'd prefer. 

Anyway, after a few hours of Microsoft Word tables, Clip Art, careful font selection and formatting, we have a passable looking drinks voucher which just needs to be photocopied onto card now.  Splendid. 

As you can tell, we're really getting down to "crossing the t's" and "dotting the lower-case j's" in terms of the wedding plans now (well it is only three weeks to go, so we should be really).  It's all very exciting indeed..

I herd the news today, oh boy..

So there's another comedy news item on the BBC Breakfast show this morning, which almost made me spit out my Frosties ("They're gonna taste great") all over the kitchen counter. Apparently language specialists (or cunning linguists, as they introduce themselves at parties) have discovered that Cows have regional accents.

For some reason, god only knows why, these "experts" decided to examine the issue after dairy farmers noticed their cows had slightly different moos depending on where they were bought.

At first, I thought it was a bit of a wind up, but BBC News confirms the story.

My real concern is just how much time and money is wasted finding this shit out? Seriously, who gives a fuck if one cow is mooing like "Ooo-arrr" and the other one is going "Wi-Aye, Man".

They're just fucking cows.

In a few months, they'll be a Doctor Martins boot or a 12oz rib eye served medium rare. You're not exactly going to go into a posh restaurant and order a fillet steak from a cow with a scouse accent now are you? And it's not as if Cows are suddenly going to be cast in gritty Northern BBC drama's because they have a moo that sounds like they're from Stretford.



I tell you there are times when your job can seem pretty fucking pointless and meaningless, but finding out that people dedicated time from their lives to discover that one cow moos a bit different to another cow.. ..well, suddenly I feel like I'm a fucking nobel prize winner.

And finally, here is some porn

Right now I have your attention..

Gotta love this story courtesy of BBC News, that tells of a news broadcast going out showing a porn film in the background.

Swedish state broadcaster SVT has admitted a "huge blunder" after a porn film was accidentally shown in the background of a news bulletin.

Why does this sort of thing never happen to Huw Edwards?

More Puerile Goat Related nonsense..

Must be something about Fridays that bring Goats into discussion..

Here's a few Goat-related tales uncovered on the Interweb..

The first relates to a 12-pints of cider binge that lead to Goat Abduction, which features the comedy line: "Did you know you had a goat with you and did you have any intention of driving the vehicle on the road?".

Next up, the tale of the consequences that can be faced by those who choose to hang out of the back of a Billy Goats Gruff: Marriage!!

And finally
Chef's are always telling people to "slam in the lamb", but "slam in the ram?" that's ridiculous (and, of course,very illegal).

Need some Dutch Courage

So yesterday, according to multiple sources, Liverpool Football Club agreed a fee for Dirk Kuyt from Feyenoord.  Signing a new striker should be exciting, but I must admit that I feel completely underwhelmed by Rafa's latest addition to the squad.  And the thing that niggles me the most is that this whole feeling of unimpressedness is based, not after watching footage of Kuyt playing, but purely on the reaction of other Liverpool fans I've spoken to. 

I'll admit, I really don't know that much about the player, the Dutch league not really being of that much interest to me.  I saw a bit of Kuyt playing in the World Cup (and only kept an eye out for him then because the transfer rumours about his move to Anfield began at the end of last season), and must admit that I didn't see anything particularly special.  However, after the experience of seeing signings of players who do (inexplicably) have a good World Cup before immediately going back to being woefully mediocre once the ink is dry on their new contract (Diouf for example), I've learnt not to take one tournament's performance as too much of an indication.  I mean, one should only look at the England squad's woeful performance in Germany as an example of that, they were completely dire and yet no-one would argue that the likes of Gerrard, Terry, Cole, etc aren't anything but World Class players.

But, for me, the real damning evidence as to why I shouldn't be too excited about this signing could be seen in  the news reports last night.  Yes they all covered the signing, but when they showed footage of Kuyt, not one of the news channels had footage of Kuyt actually finding the back of the net. 

That's worrying, no? 

Surely if you're signing a striker it's because he can score hatfuls of goals?  (Again with the exception of Diouf).  So where was the footage of Dirk launching a twenty-five yard screamer into the top corner of the net?  Or of him poaching a cheeky little tap in from a few yards out?  They were both scarily absent..

So, my scepticism increases. 

However, my faith in Mr Benitez to do the best for the club remains unshaken.. surely he must have seen something in this latest signing that leads him to believe Dirk can do the business.  As I've said before, I reserve the right to change my mind and would love Mr Kuyt to prove me wrong and become a prolific scorer.  I await the new season with baited breath..

Oh, Brother

So the seventh series of Big Brother steamrollers it's way towards the final this Friday, and I for one will be glad to see the back of it this year. Which is a shame, as I usually enjoy the show (think what you want about it, I still find it a nice distraction between football seasons). However this time, the producers seem to have picked their winner in week two and the show has been heavy-handedly forcing the issue ever since.



Now even Pete seems sure of his "Divine Right" to win the show, even threatening to stall his belief in heaven (as in the afterlife, not the Gay Club) if he did not get the £100,000. Hmm.. Cough. "Wanker! Indeed.

At one point it seemed that he may be given a run for the money, by Gwynedd's finest export since.. well me (just kidding, I'm not that egotistical), Glyn. And it seemed that if you voted for him that it might not be a wasted vote. However, things in the final week have changed and with only 13% of the vote Glyn seems to be trailing behind the others. Boo. Still he has learnt "life skills" like how to boil an egg and make a sandwich, so it's not been a wasted 13 weeks for him



So, if you really don't want to see the man who's had the whole show tailor-made for him getting that £100,000, there seems to be only one viable voting alternative this week.. Aisleyene.



Yeah she may be the most annoying person to ever had the chance of winning the prize, with her Ali-G style "you better know yourself, innit" lingo and the constant blubbing over the smallest thing. But hell, at least her winning be a slap in the arse for the producers who have a lot to learn about subtlety when it comes to manipulating public opinion.

31 Days..

In a month's time "I'll be getting married in the morning".

Well, afternoon..

Does anyone actually get married in the morning?
 
I'm sure most weddings I've been to haven't kicked off until half twelve or one o'clock in the afternoon (sorry, sorry, kick off is the wrong terminology isn't it?  Got football on the brain with the Premiership starting this Saturday.  And anyway, most weddings don't "kick off" until the family have had a few bevvies at the reception).  And I can only assume that the post-noon start time is so that everyone involved can have a cheeky ale before heading to the service.  No, I can think of funerals and christenings that I have attended before noon, but never a wedding.

But anyway, yeah, the whole thing is kinda creeping up on us now and there still seems to be so many "loose ends" to tie up in the next few weeks to ensure the day runs smoothly and to plan. 

I am desperately trying to resist the "first dance" tradition at the moment, but I can see me fighting a losing battle here.  For those of you who have recently arrived at this blog having only left Uranus in the last week, allow me to explain, the "first dance" is where the dance floor clears, a ballady/slushy type song is played on the disco and the bride and groom have to slow dance together on an empty dancefloor whilst everyone stands around and gawps. 

- One: I cannot do that kind of dancing. 
- Two: Ballads/Slush aren't really my thing and
- Three: Wouldn't it just be easier for me to stand in the middle of the dancefloor holding a sign that reads "Look.  I'm being a twat."

And then you think of the songs that are traditionally played during them.. artists like Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Ronan Keating.. bleugh, bleugh, bleugh.. for the love of god, no!! 

If there are any "Veterans" of the first dance who can tell me how it is possible to cope with this ritual embarrassment, then please let me know.  I'm thinking though that it would have been a good thing to have my hip flask on me all day.

Wanna buy some Peggs, Dave?

Yay!
According to Spaced Out, it would appear that Simon Pegg and Nick Frost will soon be back on our cinema screens in Hot Fuzz.




In the film top London cop, Police Constable Nicholas Angel (Pegg), finds himself reassigned to the sleepy West Country village of Sandford. With garden fetes and neighbourhood watch meetings replacing the action of the city, Angel struggles to adapt to his situation and finds himself partnered with Danny Butterman (Frost), an oafish but well meaning young Constable. Just as all seems lost, a series of grisly accidents motivates Angel into action. Convinced of foul play, Angel realises that Sandford may not be as idyllic as it seems.

Now if this is half as funny as Shaun of the Dead, we're in for a right treat. Not seen the trailer myself, but I believe it's running before screenings of Miami Vice.

Puerile? Probably, but it is still quite funny.

Now some people may be able to resist an unattended PC that has not been locked (as per instructions in our security guidelines), but evidently somebody in this department cannot. Thank god.

Sat there, quietly working away (no, honest I was), it was a slow afternoon and I was working on a fairly uninspiring bug fix. Suddenly I get an email which has been distributed to the entire IT Development mailing list (including managers) from another developer (who, in order to protect his identity, shall remain nameless) with a subject header that simply reads: Goats.

I double-click the email in my InBox. It reads:
"I bum goats. I have pictures".

Now I know he never sent it, but it's still funny. I probably shouldn't find it funny, I should probably regard it a puerile nonesense, tut, roll my eyes and delete it. But it is funny.. The sniggers go round the office..

It's even funnier when the individual comes back to his machine thirty seconds later, not knowing why people are shouting phrases like "pervert", "sicko" and (the slightly less-subtle) "goat fucker" at him and he completely and utterly fails to see the funny side. Indeed, for a good five minutes he has a total sense of humour failure about the whole issue.

It's particularly funny when thirty seconds after that someone pops up with the response:
"Do remember to take precautions. False glasses and moustache should do it".

Needless to say, I think he will lock his machine before leaving his desk in the future..

Anyway, must stop bleating on, later..

Reasons to be cheerful pt. II

And, no, it's not just because it's Friday (although, I believe that reason still has merit, end of the working week and all that), nor just because after a few days of grey skies and black clouds the sun has decided to shine once more (after all, it is August).

No there are other reasons to be cheerful, like for the fact that, after months of teasing us with the "Sold by Reeds Rains" sign in the front garden, it would appear that our psycho-geordie-hose-beast of a neighbour may be finally moving out.

Of course, this is based on circumstantial evidence so far, so best not get my hopes up too much. However, Little Miss Anti-Social Behaviour did turn up in a 3.5 tonne luton van last night (after 11 o'clock, of course before proceeding to spend the next ninety minutes banging around and slamming doors - selfish bitch that she is), so hopes are high that she'll be packing up her stuff and fucking off back to Newcastle at some point today.

It made me smile, anyway, even through the Average Speed Check on the M60 this morning..

Oh and I'm still pretty cheerful about this too:

Speedy

Good to see two new boys scoring for the reds last night (even if it took a Maccabi Haifa goal to get them playing properly). Still sceptical about Craig (and I will insist on calling him David) Bellamy, but must admit he took that goal well.

Mark Gonzalez certainly looks interesting. He impressed me a lot when we saw him at Crewe. His pace is phenomenal, but to be only on the pitch for three minuts and have already found the net? That's most impressive. Pennant had a great game too.. Two proper out-and-out wingers who can get balls into the box and a striker who can actually score. Could be an interesting season indeed.

Final note on Stag Do's

As none of my family (or future family) could be present for the "proper" stag do, we're having a secondary, more intimate evening on the ale this September. It'll just be a few (well actually more than a few, but you get my drift) beers around the pubs and drinking dens of Stockport. No pomp or circumstance - just beer.

So if you missed the fun and debauchery on August 5th, or maybe you did come out and just need another excuse for the ale, then why not join us in Stockport on the evening of Thursday 14th September?

If you fancy popping along then drop me a mail.

I am not E-unengaged

According to BBC News, all households in Britain have been classified into 23 "e-types" depending on their access to technology. These E-types include mobile explorers, the e-committed (who, presumably have to live in an e-Asylum (also known as World of Warcraft - ha! ha!)) and rational utilitatians.

Every postcode in Britain has been assigned a classification which people can check online to see if they agree with researcher's analysis.

So I checked...

And I am so insulted!!

I entered in my postcode and received the following information:

About your neighbourhood
Your neighbourhood is categorised in the E-Society classification as being in group A : E-unengaged and type A06 : Elderly marginalised. Full descriptions are below.

Group A: E-Unengaged

The ‘E – unengaged’ are typically groups that do not have access to electronic communications or technologies. Most are too old, too poor or too poorly educated to be able to access them, and instead traditionally rely upon personal contacts they trust for advice. Within this Group there are low levels of literacy and many people do not feel that their life outcomes are much subject to their own decisions. Within this group there is a very low level of ownership of personal computers, very little access to them at work and little ambition to master the skills necessary to take advantage of information technologies. Unsurprisingly, these people have a very low level of using email at any location (home, work and other locations) or participating in other on-line activities.

Members of this Group tend to live in the poorer areas of traditional mining and manufacturing towns and to have conservative social attitudes. A high proportion of the Group is made up of elderly people, many of whom live in social housing or sheltered accommodation.

Type A06 : Elderly marginalised
This Type consists mostly of very elderly adults, many living on their own, who have very poor levels of access to electronic technology. Technology seems to be moving on at a rate faster than they can keep up with – for this Type, mobile phones and cable television are still novelties, never mind personal computers and the Internet.

Cheeky fuckers, eh?
Basically anyone who lives in my postcode wears vests, reads tabloid newspapers eats chips 24/7. The Swines!!! I have emailed them to inform them of their error, and will email them from my Wi-Fi network at home too...
Cheeky twats

Who the fuck does Professor Paul Longley, who led the study at UCL, think he is!!?
Southern Shandy Drinking Rent Boy!

Karting Video

Now I probably looked a tad nervous when I saw someone had brought a camcorder along to a Stag Night, but fortunately it was only employed to record the Karting Event.

If you want to see the Glorious final featuring Mike Duffy, Phillip Ladanowski and Simon Axon (which, if you think about it, seeing as there were 53 people at the OpenGp event getting three out of our lot (3 out of 11 who turned up) into the final was a hell of an achievement), then click play below.



Thanks again to Sean for this. Nice one, mate...

"Twisted Stock Creator!"*


* - Copyright 2006 in-jokes deparment

Morning

Just a quick post, as I really cannot beleive it is Monday again already - arghh!!!

Just to let you know that the Stag Do Blog will close later this week, as the stag do has been and gone.. (just need to actually get married now!!). But I just wanted to point people (particularly people who would not normally visit it) over there as, if you came along on Saturday, there's a big thank you posted on the blog for you. I'll leave it for a couple of days to give peeps a chance to read it.

Right. Coffee.

Guilty Secrets

According to the BBC news site, Q magazine conducted a survey recently to list the top ten uncool records it is okay to love. The list was topped by ELO with their 1976 song "Livin' Thing" (who knew - I thought "Mr Blue Sky" was a shoe in) and included "More Than A Feeling" by Boston (the perennial drive time and "Rock" compilation favourite) and "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty.

The list says more about the readers of Q magazine though than their guilty aural pleasures. They must be all in their 40s or 50s, used to be into Zep, and the Floyd and quite possibly saw Hendrix live. Think Saxondale without the anger management. You'll see what I mean when you see the Top 10 in full..

1. ELO - Livin' Thing

2. Boston - More Than A Feeling

3. S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'

4. 10cc - I'm Not In Love

5. Gary Glitter - Rock'n'Roll Part 2

6. Foreigner - Cold As Ice

7. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell

8. Status Quo - Whatever You Want

9. Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

10. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

Source: Q Magazine

I don't think a survey of people from my generation would look like that (although I have danced to the S Club 7 track in a very drunken state before, and that was very cathartic admitting that).

Has anyone got their own uncool song that they just love..?

There's lovely

Tool tickets went on sale today..

..se you at the Manchester Evening News Arena

Shares? Bonus!

Yay!
Due to the recent takeover of the company I work for, I have been informed that all employees will benefit from a share bonus scheme. So I gets to get paid!!

Now is this the sort of money I can retire on? No. Will it allow me to go out and order a Noble M15? Hardly. But, as it says on the tin, it is a "bonus".
It will reduce the wedge that I owe the credit and is certainly better than a swift kick in the knackers. Not that this hasn't stopped some ungrateful bastards from whinging about it all, complaining that they didn't get enough, or that they got less than someone else.

Miserable cunts, eh?

They could have got fuck all, the outgoing directors didn't have to do fuck all like this for their staff, but they did and I for one am very happy. A couple of extra quid in my pocket is always going to be welcome (you know the score by now, wedding to pay for, (future) wife and two kids to feed).

Now I may be able to afford to buy two drinks on Saturday night! Hurrah!

That's what the "off" button is for, dumbass!

I applaud the BBC for not caving into petty complaints about quite possibly it's best BBC2 offering, "Top Gear". According to this news report, the Beeb have stated that despite receiving 500 complaints in the last series (surely 495 were about Clarkson's dodgy barnet anyway?), that viewers "should be "familiar enough" with Top Gear's tone to be able to cope with the jibes".

In other words, if something offends you, do the sensible thing and fuck off elsewhere rather than whinge about it.. Even those who are too fucking thick to not even have Freeview, still have at least 3.5 channels to choose from.

They did admit there had been "a real potential to offend" when presenter Jeremy Clarkson used a Nazi salute back in November, but said most viewers would have known Clarkson often used "the most exaggerated stereotypes to support or defend his opinions".

A BBC spokeswoman said there had also been "a number of calls" about a report on caravans broadcast on 16 July from "viewers who were taking issue with various aspects" of the feature.

But everyone knows people with caravans are dozy selfish cunts who clog up the roads every summer and public holiday anway. So fuck what they think.

Well done BBC, I will pay my licence fee this year!

Ugh!

Sorry.
Feeling a little brain dead today (I know, I know. why pick on today!? Ha! Bloody Ha!). I think the lower temperatures meant I slept so much better last night, and went into a deep, deep (deeeeeeeeeep) sleep as a result. This was probably great at the time, and just what the body needed and all that, but -fuck me- it's taking me an eternity to come round this morning. I've got a fuzzy head that Nescafé alone cannot remove!!

Still, good to be recharging the batteries ahead of the weekend. Nice to be fully awake for your stag 'do. 'citing.

Happy Lapping

(...Not actually a reference to Oral Sex...)

The bragging has begun.

As Saturday approaches, those from work who are taking part in the Karting on the Stag Do are beginning to beat their chests and stake their claims to the trophy. Already people are beginning to wonder what they'll do with the trophy to keep it safe when we go out later that evening, I'm sure one or two have even picked out the location on their desks where they plan to exhibit their prize. It's all very amusing..

Although I can imagine that I'll get caught by this competitive bug by the end of the week (not that I can win the trophy, that wouldn't be fair). So come Saturday afternoon the steering wheel will be gripped with a steely determination, the teeth will be gritted, and the accelerator pedal will be slammed permanently down as I try and at least not come last. Actually I don't want to just "not come last", I want to get way up the field. I want a podium finish. Damn it, I want to WIN! All of them can eat my exhaust fumes as I smash yet another Daytona lap record on my way to a glorious victory - Mwaaaaahaaaahaahaahaahahahahahahaaaaa!!!

Blimey. See what I mean? It is infectious.

Below Average

This blog entry is experiencing technical difficulties.

It would have appeared to have fallen through a time vortex in the Mail-to-Blog functionality and automagically re-posted itself today.

I have removed it to prevent RSI caused by using the mouse wheel to scroll past it.

Please don't sue me if you're finger aches as it's probably your own fault.

Thanks for listening.

Silentbazz GCHQ