Friday, December 31

Well see ya 2004

New Year's Eve..
New Year's fucking Eve..
New fucking Year's fucking Eve..
New fucking Ye-fucking-ar's fucking Eve.. get the point..

It's all gone a bit quickly this year. Doesn't seem more than five minutes ago that I was staggering home after celebrating the arrival of 2004 and now they tell me that this year's had enough and is fucking off into the annals of history to make way for this young upstart called 2005.. Amazing, isn't it?

Of course I'll be doing the usual, eating too much, drinking way too much and smoking too much as this tradition is the lore as written in the ancient scrolls (along with the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne), hope whatever you're doing, and wherever you are you enjoy yourself and as they say in the adverts: "Always drink responsibly"

Yeah right

Happy New Year, ya bollocks, catch up with you next month!

Thursday, December 30

Well... this sucks

I have had to come into work today as I have ran out of holidays.. it's a bit of a shock to the system to say the least.. the last couple of days have been a bit of a blurry alco-fest and suddenly reality (not to mention sobriety) have kicked in..
It's so quiet here too which isn't helping.. There's about four of us in an office that normally sits about forty.. God, I cannot wait for 4 pm to roll around and I can forget about here until the 4th of Jan.
And, shit, it's nearly 2005!
Cannot believe that this year's passed so quickly.. been a bit of a rollercoaster ride this year, I must admit, but at least things have been steadily (and significantly) improving in the last third of the year, would love it if the positive momentum can carry on into the new year.
Anyway this desk-jockeying wage slave better do some fucking work I guess, so -for now- adios amigos, catch ya later

Tuesday, December 28

What day is this? Who's the president?

I am so confused..
I know (kinda, by counting my fingers and working it out anyway) that today is the 28th December, although I also know this as I am a slave to the football fixtures! but what day is it..?
Its so easy to get disoriented, completely forgot it was Monday the other day so hadn't put the bins out when the binmen came - D'oh! Ahh right and they came yesterday so today must be Tuesday I guess.. Good. Glad I've sorted that out. It's not easy, particularly when you have quite a hangover too.. ;)

Sunday, December 26

And so that was Christmas...

Amazing isn't it?
Weeks (and in some cases, longer than that) are spent preparing for December 25th.. Stressing over finding the perfect gift, trudging round shops, writing cards, wrapping presents (badly, most of the time) planning nights out, being deliberately jolly, purchasing, preparing and cooking mountains of food.. And then in twenty four little hours (only about six of which you're actually conscious for) it's all gone, done and forgotten about for another eleven months..
Despite illness cruelly conspiring against me (what a shitty, shitty week to fall ill - still two days wrapped under a duvet, with the central heating on full blast meant I managed to enjoy Christmas dinner without covering my fellow diners in globules of snot!!), and the weather threatening to piss on my chips (why oh why did no-one think to grit the frigging M56? It was down to a lane and a half for long stretches last night and was decidedly sphincter-clenchingly scary in places!!), it was a bloody good Christmas.
Hope you and yours all had a great day too and everyone's feeling suitably festive and happy..

Tuesday, December 21

Bloody typical

Woke up this morning with my sinuses blocked up like the M25 (a government sponsored car park if ever there was one) in rush hour, a sore throat and a hacking cough - which can only mean one thing - it's gonna be a snotty Christmas.
It was bound to happen, it is the way of the world, you spend the entire year dragging your ass into work, even when you feel a bit off-colour or under the weather you somehow soldier on surviving on grim determination, coffee and painkillers.. and then you get within a few days of some time off and you begin to relax and - BAM!
Here comes the common cold.
If it was any other week I'd be tucked up in bed right now, but also it's sod's law that you get a cold in the last few days as you cannot possibly call in sick, not even if your legs fall off (Ask Stumpy McAngry, he'll tell you). No self-respecting company would ever believe you're genuinely ill this week - they'll automatically assume that you were out on the piss or you're swinging the lead, because this is the harsh cynical world we live in folks.
So I'm going to try and share a few germs round the office instead, cos that's what this time of year is all about isn't it? Sharing with others?

Saturday, December 18

Pop Quiz

I like this..
A lot..
Try this pop quiz
Or, alternatively, this more difficult quiz

Tra la laa la la la la

Just what is about Christmas that makes everyone so fucking miserable?
Honestly, I kid you not, I was in the city centre today (trying to walk off a slight hangover - fuck me, why did no-one stop me from starting the evening by ordering a entire frigging pitcher of "Long Island Ice Tea"?) and was walking through the hoardes of shoppers, all frantically searching for that last minute Christmas gift for their loved ones.
The shops were brightly coloured, there were many fine things for people to buy, seasonal tunes wafted through the chill December afternoon air, there were fairly lights and decorations.. It was all very festive and heartwarming
..And nearly every cunt was impatient, rude and fucking miserable.
Joy to the World my fucking arse.

Wednesday, December 15

All together now..

"I'm not blogging
I'm not blogging
I'm not blogging anymore..
I'm not blogging anymore"

Illness, football, work and Christmas shopping have all got in the way..
..normal service will be resumed in time..

Thursday, December 9

Glad to be a supporter..

There are some days, some matches I should say, that just make you so fucking glad (proud?) that you are a football supporter.
You making the effort to get off your arse and go to the ground, pay for that ticket and shout/sing your fucking head off for 90 minutes (and not just sit at home in front of Sky Sports and regurgitate whatever the pundits in the studio said like Gospel the next day in work) is rewarded and all made worthwhile in a single match. And you walk away from the ground (still singing, with hundreds, if not thousands, all about you doing exactly the same) feeling like you're on fucking cloud nine. Tonight was one of those matches.
One nil down at half time - who the fuck would have guessed we had three goals in the team, let alone the ability to score three in only 45 minutes.. but Pongolle (within 2 mins), Mellor (with his first fucking touch of the ball by my reckoning) and Gerrard silenced the fuckers who thought we'd go out of the Champions League tonight.
My throat hurts, I sound like I've been gargling razor blades when I talk and I'm totally and utterly exhausted, but, jesus, I am one fucking happy fan tonight.. Bring on Real Madrid, we'll have 'em..

..after we've polished off that shower of shite from across Stanley Park on Saturday that is.. ;)

Wednesday, December 8

Thank you Mr Jackson

For the Return of the King Extended Edition, finally you've delivered the movie I wanted to see last December. The Mouth of Sauron scene kicks ass - but reminded me strangely of Marilyn Manson (just me? Thought so). Thank you also to for having a blatant disregard for official release dates and getting this to me on Monday (I'd forgotten I'd ordered it to be honest, and you don't expect such prompt delivery when you only pay 17 notes for something).

Friday, December 3


..but I really cannot be arsed writing anything this morning..
Have been sat here looking at a big open white space thats just aching to filled with verbs, nouns, pronouns and, seeing as this is my blog, expletives.. but I cannot think of anything remotely interesting that I want to say..
I have no words at the moment, I lack inspiration.
Lord knows why.
I mean it's Friday, it's the beginning of the weekend in a few short hours which means forty eight hours of fun and frivolity and normally that would raise anyone's spirits, but this morning the "Friday Feeling" is considerably lacking.
So here I am looking at a blank space waiting for something to motivate me to put hand to keyboard and get something typed today.
I mean what is a blog without words?
Nothing, that's what.
So apologies, there's nothing worse than an un-updated blog, people get used to there being something new to read (even if it is meaningless, pointless, boring and, seeing as this is my blog, offensive) and you hate to disappoint.. Maybe that's it? The pressure to deliver a blog entry is what is robbing me of my ability to write something, it's performance anxiety, it's the weight of expectation..
Oh why oh why won't the words just appear? Why am I suffering from writer's block today? Why can I not form coherant sentences at all when normally I can spew out paragraphs of text without even a seconds thought?
It's a mystery...

..actually that is quite a lot of words, but what the hell, if Natasha Bedingfield can have a top ten song about her inability to write a song (and enough fuckers obviously bought that) then I can ramble on for fucking ages about not being able to write this. Nuff said.

Thursday, December 2

New Business Rule

I'd just like to propose a rule that should be observed amongst work places and businesses throughout the land.. Maybe it could become part of employment law or something..
The rule is this:
Tedious meetings, if they must be held at all, may not commence after three o'clock in the afternoon on any given workday (possibly two-thirty on a Friday).
This is to avoid pointless babble from stopping employee's who make the fucking effort to get in at a reasonable time in the morning from going home. You want to talk shit? All well and good, but do it on company time buddy-boy not on mine. The last thing I need is to be sat in a meeting room desperate for a cigarette when I could be chilling the fuck out at home, or in a pub or anywhere that isn't fucking work really..
Anyone who is found to be in breach of these regulations will have sixty-four shades of shit kicked out of them.

Here endeth the discussion (as I'm fucking right on this score)..

..In other news bluetooth adapters rock, particularly when combined with nice (free) MP3 editing software that allows you to get rid of the thiry second intro from a tune and actually choose the relevant part as your ringtone (no longer than thirty seconds' worth of course, as after that the answering service normally kicks in).

Checked out "The Incredibles" last night too (indeed we bought pick 'n' mix too to complete the childrens movie experience!!! Fizzy cola bottles rule!).. what a fabulous movie, thoroughly different to any other Pixar film, and less of a straight kiddie flick as a result. Some genius gags in there, and Samuel L Jackson (can a film be any cooler) and the film gets major kudos for having two very understated "Mallrats" references in there (Kevin Smith must be so proud).

That is all for now..

Wednesday, December 1

Christmas Spirit

In an attempt to try and overcome this general feeling of dread, and get into the Festive Spirit I have purchased a Dairy Milk Advent Calendar..

Ding Dong Merrily on High, indeed, I'm no fucking Scrooge

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are You Listening..?

Okay, who the hell decided that it should be December already?
I mean come on, it's pigging ridiculous.. I've barely got over the crushing disappointment of a lousy summer and already it's time to deck the halls and jingle bells?
I am totally unprepared for Christmas (as you might have gathered)..

Total number of presents bought to date: Zero
Total number of Christmas Cards sent to date: Zero
Total number of Christmas Cards purchased to date: Zero
Total length of wrapping paper purchased and/or used: 0.00 metres
Total number of mince pies eaten: 6 (oh come on, who can resist them?)

This is not, in any shape or form, helped by the fact that nearly every other bugger around me seems to be sitting there with a certain air of smugness saying: "Well, of course, I finished my Christmas Shopping in April"

Did you?
Did you really?
Well bully for you, you overly organisied bastard, now brace yourself for the kick in the knackers I will be swiftly administering..

Why haven't I got round to this before now?
Why hasn't anyone even dropped the slightest of hints as to what they may want/like for Christmas?

I think I need a personal shopper to go and do all this shit for me.. the thought of braving a High Street at this time of year fills me with dread (filled as it will be with thousands of moronic, stressed consumers, all clutching brightly covered carrier bags and cooing over plastic fucking reindeers in gawdy window displays).
And with all the former luddites now turning to the internet to do their Xmas shopping (let's face it, most people wouldn't know what the internet fucking was a couple of years ago and now their all downloading ringtones, bidding on eBay and shopping online - cunts), the delivery times for popular websites is now frigging ridiculous..
What a fucker, eh?

Oh well, I'll probably end up hitting the 24 hour garage on Christmas Eve, I'm sure people will love a Magic Tree air freshner as a gift (it's roughly shaped like an Xmas tree anyway), or a tin of de-icer (practical and thoughtful) or, if worst comes to the worst, a copy of Razzle.

Ho Ho fucking Ho..