And now, the end is near

So, as you can see from the previous post, things are finally drawing to a close on the old bathroom front.  It's been a long, bumpy, and -at times- tedious ride, and I'd like to thank you, gentle reader, for sharing the high's, the low's, and every altitude in-between as we travelled from the ridiculous to the sublime (in terms of interior decoration)..

One big plus of all the work being done is that I can finally enjoy a good pooh at home as opposed to having to go at work.  Now I know the contractors I work with (and, hell, even some of the permies agree) will advocate going for a pooh during work hours - you are, after all, getting paid to have a shit.  Constipation is almost akin to promotion to them.  As well as the financial incentive of the office-hours-pooh, there is also the fact that a lot of the people I work with consider the company-subsidised-dump to be the highlight of any given work day. 

However, the company loo's contain three cubicles and I personally would rather pooh in isolation.  This is not because I am bashful, or anything like that, it's just that I don't like having to sit there and listen to other people pooh-ing in the adjacent cubicles. 

You see, it seems that some people have no shame when using shared toilet resources, and have no problem whatsoever accompanying each bowel movement with a eardrum-shattering anal-fanfare (or should that be "anal-fartfare"?).  This crescendo of bum-trumpeting is most often accompanied by repeated sploshing, like someone emptying a slops bucket into a swimming pool.  It's a symphony of shitting that I just don't want to hear. 

And the phantom farters (for their identity is, thankfully, always concealed by the partition wall of the cubicle.  Just as well, really, as I don't think I could look the offenders in the eye after some of the concerts I've heard) are not the worst, oh no.. that title goes to the pleaders. 

The pleaders obviously don't get enough roughage in their diet, and seemingly have to coax each little pebble of pooh forth by begging it to emerge from it's sphincter retreat..  If you didn't know better you'd swear they had a small hamster up their arse and they were trying to tease it out using cheese and persuasion..

"Ngggggnn.. Oh, come on, come on.. nggggggnnnnnn.. yes, that's it.. ngggnnn.. <plop!>"

This is normally followed by a giant sigh of relief, and a moment of rest, before the whole embarrassing performance begins again..

Both the phantom farters and the pleaders are assisted in their awful aural accompaniments by the fact that the company loo, being tiled from floor to ceiling, adds it's own acoustic nuance in the form of a little bit of echo, for that professional touch.  

And there's nothing worse than having to sit there, trollies round your ankles, having to listen to this.. this.. well, this shit.  Can people not pooh quietly?  Must they announce each clenching of the buttocks with a rip-roaring fart?  Can they not eat more All Bran?

I for one will not be missing the office-hours-dump, and look forward to pooh-ing at home admiring my fine floor tiling work...

Floor tile Tetris

Apologies, I have been really busy recently trying to get the finishing touches applied to this bathroom (no photo today -couldn't be arsed, sorry again), which has meant little spare time to observe things in life never mind comment on them here.

Last night saw the floor boards in the bathroom finally being covered up with ply-wood so that we could lay the vinyl tiles down.  I have done the straight stretch of the tiles now (which are this black slate effect and look rather stunning against the white bathroom fixtures and skirting I must say) so that would get the chance to dry before I begun fixing the awkward cuts to the floor (which is tonight's job).  And it is going to be an elaborate jigsaw puzzle of a job tonight to get all of them floor covered neatly this evening (Of course, one could argue that it's easier than a jigsaw as I get to cut my own shapes out, it's more like Floor tile Tetris).  Laying the tiles has meant that my knees are absolutely ruined today, so I'm walking round like and old man ("Hardest game in the world that floor tiling.  Did it thirty years, man and boy").

Normal service will resume imminently.

Laters.

Sorted, bruv, sorted

Well the bathroom was finally finished last night (aside from the painting and the flooring which will commence over the weekend) and it was time to crack open a bottle of red and re-acquaint ourselves with the Sky+ box.

I see the Mitchell brothers are back in Eastenders this week, and I'd forgotten how much this show requires a couple of knuckle-draggers like Phil and Grant.  They really do inject some much needed comedy into the show (whether that's intentional or not, I'm not entirely sure, but its a blessing nonetheless). 

I mean this week is "Get Johnny Week" (actually not about a trip to the pharmacy to purchase durex), and it's supposed to be all high-drama and excitement, but I've just found the whole week to be a right giggle.  It appears that the ape-like Mitchell brothers have evolved just about enough so that they don't spend the entire 30 minute duration of the show grooming and slinging pooh at each other, but not quite enough to actually walk fully upright or get through a scene without bashing their skulls together. 

Anyway the whole plot this week has been all stuff and nonsense, (not that it really mattered as a complicated, involved plot would have confused my addled brain anyways)  but it passed an entertaining half-an-hour after the real drama of getting the bathroom finished!!!

Not out of the woods yet..

So yesterday evening I was quite a happy bunny, admiring our freshly grouted tiles and thinking: "brilliant, this actually was worth the inconvenience, the mess, the hassle and the cash.  This bathroom looks fantastic and we've not even completely finished yet".  We set off to B&Q (other DIY stores are available) and bought things like shower rails and curtain, vinyl floor tiles, a mirror, and some testers so we could finally see what colour the walls are going to be (looks like it going to be "Water" from the B&Q bathroom paint range (other bathroom paint is available), which is kind of a cyan, aqua-mariney shade). 

It was all going to well, wasn't it?
I should have known..

Because this bathroom is becoming such a saga, I'm amazed it isn't penned by J.R.R Tolkien.

So the evening rolled on and the father-in-law-to-be comes round to help put up the fixtures for us.. The funky frosted glass shelf and mirror go up with a bit of effort, but not too much hassle.  Next up is the shower rail and curtain which is a faff (because it means lots of drilling whilst stood on a slippery bath) but, again, seems to go okay. 

So after the major stuff is done, I leave for a moment to grab a drink whilst my better half discusses the best place to put the shower basket. 

A shower basket? 

Oh don't ask.  It's basically a chrome holder-thingy which is for people who think they're above having to reach down to retrieve their bottle of shampoo from the side of the bath, but want a baskety holder thing halfway up the wall instead.  So, anyway, they agree on a location for this basket, time to drill some holes..

Driillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
"There's one hole."
Driillllll...
"Argh!"

Argh?

Now if there's one expression you don't want to hear when someone is drilling into your bathroom wall, indeed drilling into your lovely new tiles is Argh (and, arguably, "Bollocks" and "Shite", too.  But on this occasion it was Argh!).

Thinking "Oh no, a tile's been cracked" but also, smugly, thinking "that's okay we've got two thirds of a pack of tiles left" we went into the bathroom to investigate, Scooby Doo stylee, only to see water pissing out of the wall.  The drill had gone right through the cold water pipe up to the shower.

Aww... fuck..

We quickly turned the water off, and then began the process of ripping tiles off the wall.  You remember those tiles, yeah?  Those were the freshly grouted and shiny tiles I was admiring earlier.  And of course, the pipe had been sunk into the wall, so it was not just tile we had to go through to get to the pipe, oh hell no.. 

I looked on at the chaos around me and was genuinely lost for words.. I also really, really, really wanted a cigarette (it's a good thing I hadn't kept a secret stash or knew anyone nearby who still smoked I can tell you).

Luckily a plumber was quickly located and the pipe was repaired, but now we are looking at another night of chaos whilst the section underneath the shower is re-tiled and re-grouted..

Next time "Home Improvements" are mentioned, I'm going to run for the hills I tell you, the only way to improve one's home without dying of stress is to move!!

Loo Progress

Day Four:



Day Five:



Nearly there.. the nightmare is nearly over!!

YAY!

++UPDATE++ ++UPDATE++ ++UPDATE++

Day Six


It's still not done.. arse

Day Three

It doesn't look there's been much progress here does there..?



Well, actually, all of the areas that are going to be painted (as opposed to tiled - not being fully tiled this time) have been skimmed with plaster now.

Additionally the bath and sink are now fully fitted with taps and waste bits (or the plughole to you and me) and are ready to be fitted, along with the new loo tomorrow.. (which, unlike the bowl we have at the moment, will actually flush - hurrah!!). With any luck we should be able to use the bath (carefully) over the weekend and the whole tiling job should be complete Monday or Tuesday.

After that we can start getting the house back to normal - and my blood pressure will start to subside!!

On a separate note, wrote to eBay.. here's the response so far:

"Thank you for writing to eBay Customer Support,

Your question is very important to us and will be treated with our full
attention and respect for your needs. If you have received this
auto-response, your email has been received, and it is not necessary for
you to resend it. "

Blah, blah, blah.. your question is important to us my ARSE!

Meanwhile no-one is bidding on Pigface (boo!)

Day Two

Well, there are some developments today as you can see, there isn't quite as much exposed brickwork as there was yesterday. Additionally, the house isn't quite as covered in as much dusty shit as when we got home yesterday, which is nice..

Apart from the toilet bowl and a few exposed taps, however, there isn't actually a lot to give away the fact that it is a bathroom that the above photo was taken in. Anyway, at least I can see some progress.. Although hope is fading of having this anywhere near done by the end of the weekend (which is bollocks, really).

Still, although I only got around four hours sleep last night (due to the unborn son or daughter giving my better half painful indigestion all night which kept both of us awake, albeit me indirectly) I am in a slightly more chipper mood today.

You see, despite it taking all day to get a result with what I'm doing at work at the moment, I think I'm beginning to make real progress with that now, so that's good. It's been sunny all day (although it's still a little chilly, but it's not bad for March), so that's good. Got my Car Tax sorted on line, so that's good and I'm still rejoicing after seeing the reds score seven against Brum last night (in case you hadn't guessed from the previous posts!!!), so that's good. So quite a lot of things are good at the moment.

What is surprising is that there are so many eager Carcass and Paradise Lost fans on eBay as these auctions are doing really well at the moment. However all quiet on the Prodigy, Garbage, Pigface and S.O.D lots so far - boo! Does no-one remember how good "Suck" and "Speak English Or Die" are??? Shame!

Day One

Just about a pot to piss in..

Sigh..

So, back to work today.. boo! hiss!
Motivation levels are about zero point zero four.

Add to this the fact that I was supposed to be returning to work content with the knowledge that I had a valid MOT certificate for my car (as the brum-brum is coming up to three years old now, so it needs one) and indeed I had said vehicle booked in for a test yesterday.  But when I went to collect it, it seemed that the new central computerised system for recording MOT test results and details had crashed.  Completely.  Nationwide.  No MOTs at all yesterday.  So my test could not be carried out as, apparently, they cannot even start the test now if the computer is down.  Call that progress?  'Cos I don't..  So now I have to drop the car off first thing Saturday morning (8 a.m. on a Saturday?  Oh, the humanity!) in order to attempt to get my test done before the government come running after me..

Then, of course, I have a feeling of dread about going home, as today is the first day of the bathroom renovation so I will get home to a building site.  There will be dust, chaos and dirt everywhere.. Not to mention the fact that we'll probably be back to the brickwork in the bathroom by now as it's looking increasingly likely that we're gonna have to put new plaster board in.  How are you supposed to relax in that environment?  I'll have to piss in the middle of a construction zone - for fuck's sake!  And this could go on for five, yes five, days!  Where can I get some Prozac or Valium without a prescription?  Anyone?

Also it sounds like response to the stag night has been a bit luke warm.. with only a few people saying they're going to come along.  (Thanks to those who've mailed back, though - it will be a cracking night out, you can be sure of that!) 

So all in all today is a bit of a bummer..